Learning lessons

All I could think was, one more person, I just have to pass one more person and then I'll have lead jammer. (We weren't winning - not by a long shot. But it was the last 3 minutes - I had actually managed to score a bunch of points in this bout. I was an obvious target.) I passed the pack on the outside with a safe wall of Bombers on my left side. I cleared the pack and was heading to the inside line (ultimate safety) but there was one more out there. I could see her in my periphery and she landed a solid hip hit square on my thigh. My upper body flew nut my lower body did not follow, and I felt something completely unnatural happen in my knee. I knew I was hurt - really hurt. I didn't even try to stop my slide into the wall. I looked up at the outside pack ref heading my way - it was Hangin' Chad. And I said, rather loudly, "I'm NOT OK." Then I looked down at my knee and started saying "Oh My God, Oh My God" over and over. I was devastated. I am so hurt. I was thinking of the rest of the tournament; I was thinking of next season; I was thinking of all my goals for next year; I was thinking of the Bombers and how hard we worked and the great stuff we had planned for 2011. And it felt like it was all slipping away. Someone turned off the music and I could hear someone crying. I was wondering whose crying? I'm the one that is hurt. Oh, that would be me.

The rest of the tournament was a blur. I got crutches, I had two beers. I managed to fly back to Seattle for my work auction on Saturday morning and fly back for the rest of the tournament Sunday morning (yes, nuts, I know.) I finally had an appointment with a specialist and got an MRI within the first week back. My knee was tight - the orthopaedic physician didn't think it was my ACL was torn. And I celebrated for a day. But it was torn - snapped in half. Physical therapy was scheduled and my new life between crutches, work, surgery and pain meds was underway.

The moment I was wheeled off the skate floor, my Bomber dilemma started. What would be my role? I kept asking. I didn't want to be a broken skater on a team with Regional and Championship aspirations. That wasn't what we needed. We needed 20 strong skaters to take our team to the next level. But would the team vote in a non-rostered captain? Would they even want me as a captain at all? Or would I bench coach? Could I bench coach? I didn't know what to do. Nikki and I were very good captains - a good balance. We did a lot of things really well and learned from our mistakes and I thought we could carry these lessons and positive energy forward into the next year.

I started talking to my teammates about my dilemma. A few totally agreed. "We need a strong team. You're right. You should let someone else take your spot." Others said, "We need you on the team. When other skaters got hurt, you didn't kick them off. Torture, you're not being fair to Torture." The answer wasn't clear cut. It wasn't easy.

When I filled out the questionnaire for the coaches - that is when I figured it out. "What would you bring to this team?" It took me only a second to think about; I would bring leadership, feedback, positive attitude and energy. I would be give 100% and more - even not on skates. And then the league gave me a vote of confidence - even injured. The coaches told me it was my decision - they wanted me on the team and the league did. But it was my decision - I was the one who didn't know what I should do.

I said I DID want to stay on the team. I learned. It takes all kinds of athletes to make up this team - serious ones, total goofballs, enthusiastic one, leaders, trouble makers, all kinds. And I know this. I say this to other skaters all of the time - that they have a role on this team. But I finally feel like I've learned it.

Crazy, Crazy, Insane...

I like to agree with people's statements that "you're crazy" but even I can surprise myself sometimes. I signed up this morning for a "boot camp" - early morning workout - at Golden Gardens not too far from where I live. My friend Bess has been going to these camps put on by Chris Kirchoff (Kirchoff Fitness) since I've known her. CB - another teammate - has joined her in the insanity about 6 months ago and Teeny joined this boot camp. And this morning I caved. Why is it insane? Because it's at 5:30 a.m. - as in the morning - as in - I-am-usually-just-going-to-bed-at-1 a.m.-how-can-I-possibly-get-up-that-soon-and-survive-yet-alone-work-a-full-day.

Seriously. I've done a lot of nutty things. But this one takes the cake.

(However - it fits in with my theme for 2010 - click below).

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zUc_frpY26U

Toilet, cats, and the need for seat belts....

I ended a long week away from Seattle by dropping my cell phone in the toilet on a bright Sunday morning (it flipped out of my shallow back pocket) - my hand dove in after it but alas, even with a 5 hour stint in a rice bag and a bit of blow drying - it couldn't be saved (and because I knew that, carelessly tossed it in my bag and lost it. Ooops.) It was a discombobulating way to end a week of vacation that could have been just as good without it.

The vacation started with the Brewhaha in Milwaukee - a derby tournament. We had a scrimmage (unsanctioned bout) against Philly Rollergirls and pulled away to a substantial win. It was also a bout for our "b" skaters on our Bombers - those who don't always make it on the 14 person roster. Our bout against Arch Rival was fantastic. We were down by 30 points at the half when at half time, we asked what needed to be done - this bout is not lost - made those adjustments and came back to win by more than 70 points. We rocked the after party together. Our Sunday bout fizzled as the team we were suppose to play sustained too many injuries and they forfeited - we tried to get another team to fill the slot and it just didn't work out. (Having spent a lot of time trying to find a replacement and herding more cats, I was exhausted by this weekend but at the same time, I had a great weekend - especially once I decided that we didn't have control of the weekend.) It was a great bonding weekend...and we rocked the after party.

My week was peppered with many great visits - chalk drawing on the driveway with the girls, swimming at the Y with them, drinking beers with a few select friends, a walk with my dad, a great chat with my brother, hanging out with my mother. And the week was also peppered with many fantastic conversations with my parents, brother and the few friends I got to see. Conversations with girlfriends about their kids and sports; about midlife crisis (perceived or real); about depression and dissatisfaction; about change; with my brother about his new business; about goals and risks and other things we can do; with my parents about life, the environment, politics and other stuff. I asked my dad what he thought about the environment movement - about climate change (we had been having many conversations about it) and our need to do something about it. He likened climate change to seat belts. You may never be in a situation where you need a seat belt to save your life, however, the moment that you realize you do, it will be too late... Awesome.

Inspired...

This last week in Washington, DC was completely inspiring... I took a break from work, from derby, from email (answered just the few necessary) and focused on things so much bigger - like where we are in trying to find an HIV vaccine - it was inspiring and humbling. It asked me often if I was doing what I should be doing... and I think it's time to make some changes.

I can't wait!

Killer Nap...

I came home with the intention of going out for a run (bleh) or for a swim (woot!) and trying to keep up with my "workouteverydaytomakemyselfastrongerskater". Instead, I laid down for a 20 minute nap and woke up an hour later completely confused (thinking it was morning or a day later). Clearly I needed the rest... and the sweet potato fries and Steelhead salmon that I made. It was a nice night to stay in and rest. Sometimes you forget that's the most important thing.

Sleep.

Fearless...

Two weeks ago at a league meeting, right after the Wild West Showdown, I told this story:

So we were warming up and we would pass the Jet City Rollergirl's "Bomb Squad" and hear "yeahhh!" and then we hit the other corner and hear "booooo". My first thought was "who the fuck boos anyone?" And then I figured it out. There was a "B" team of a high ranking league who the Bombers had beaten and suddenly we were enemies with their "A" team. I was baffled until I realized that most of the "B" team was now the "A" team and they were the ones booing us. (Once again. Who the fuck boos anyone?)

Right at half time, the Philly Rollergirls showed up and they sat down (unintentionally) in front of this team who were booing us and they were like "this is a great game." Some fans told them how Jet City fought a 30+ point deficit and were ahead by 2 points at the half. Suddenly - when we skated by - it was "YEEAAHHHH (Bomb Squad)...YEAAAAHHHH (Philly)". They out cheered this other team.

And it was awesome.

Tonight someone booed a league mate- which we don't do. Jet City Rollergirls do not boo refs, opposing skaters, visiting fans, other teammates - ever. We certainly don't allow teammates to boo; we don't allow fans to boo refs; we don't allow fans to boo anyone. But somehow it happened. It happened to a skater who worked her ass off to get through a line up of Nikki, Molly, Fuzz, Jude ... any skater who takes a lickin' and gets up and fights all over again deserves nothing but cheers and applause and constant encouragement... I love your effort. I love your tenacity. And even if you beat me you deserve my respect.

But someone booed a skater tonight. And my heart is broken for that skater. I'm also so angry at this fan who thought they had the right to boo anyone. Strap on a pair of skates and try to get around Nikki, avoid a hit from Trixxie, get around Cia, take on Dixie and Luna, stare Retro in the face. If you can do all of that - you are fearless - but you didn't. But someone else did. And she deserves my respect.

Teeth, Easter Candy, little crabs...

It's rare that I says things like "I love my dentist! They're all great - I have an amazing hygienist who taught me all about my teeth." But it's true. Last week my hygienist taught me all about my teeth, why we floss, what we're actually trying to accomplished when we brush, why we get lazy towards the back of our mouths, all the science behind bacteria, decay, etc. I told her, with tools in my mouth, garbled, "I wish someone had told me all of this in high school." And she responded to my sentiment like I wanted to blame someone or something for my lack of knowledge, "You probably wouldn't have listened then." And this week, something has happened that has never happened in my whole life - I've flossed every single day. I just might yet become a habit.

Of course, now is a good time to start better dental habits as Easter Candy is out and I just LOVE Easter Candy. It's really the only time that chocolate tops gummy worms in my sweet tooth craving (that is generally pretty tame.) I love the chocolate eggs with a candy shell. I enjoy malt ball eggs and peanut butter eggs. Kisses somehow make it into my mouth and they're at the bottom of the candy scale. And I don't even enjoy this candy any other time or even at Halloween when it's just as ubiquitous! I honest think it has something to do with spring and all the fuzzy little chicks, cute little bunnies and lavender wrappers that make it taste so much better.

The only thing better than Easter Candy in the spring with newly flossed teeth is the little crab, we who met over Thanksgiving. He's going to be my next tattoo. I've wanted a little crab, the most wonderful reluctant creatures to find under rock, for a while. And I just found this perfect photo of him... now I just need to find a place where he won't be hiding...

Oh Little Sleepy boy...

Last week Pygmy had a little baby boy Benjamin Henry. His middle name comes from Jon's very close family friend for whom he was always doing computer work for and hanging out with on the weekend. Often times, Pygmy and I would gather on Sunday and go for a walk around Greenlake because Jon was "helping Hank (Henry)." Hank died last year. Benjamin came for a conversation Heidi had with Jon. She liked the name but wasn't sure that Jon did because he had so many friends named Benjamin. But it stuck - the day before he was born.

When I was in Philly this past fall, I was walking thru the Ben Franklin Cemetery. I texted Heidi all of the first names in the cemetery as I walked past them (to give her boy name ideas - she was struggling) - basically all of the "founding fathers" of the country ... Benjamin, John, Caleb, William, Samuel, Franklin, Adam, Jon and... repeat. She made a joke about that. About how he's name after Ben Franklin, about sending her texts from the cemetery... but really, he's name after other great Benjamins... who are all friends. Those are the best kind of names.

I caught a bit of Paul Simon tonight and it reminded me of little Benjamin and other little boys (who are becoming bigger boys by the minute):

Oo, little sleepy boy
Do you know what time it is?
Well the hour of your bedtime's long been past
And though I know you're fighting it
I can tell when you rub your eyes
You're fading fast, oh fading fast

Welcome little Benjamin.

Valentines Day Chinese New Year Rainy Day Hike...




Today I went on a hike with Lara, Steve and Laurie. It was a super rain Pacific Northwest day and I felt like such a Pacific Northwestern with borrow rain pants and sporty rain jacket. I had bought new hiking boots for the occasion (that was suppose to snow shoeing but because of all the rain we decided that it would not be very fun.) It was an absolutely wonderful hike - up to a lake high up in the mountains. At the end of every switchback was this waterfall that running down the whole side of the mountain (and often over our path and I found myself wondering out loud more than once "is this our path or a steam? or both?"), and it's effect was perfect as it was enough noise to keep you from talking to much and give you an opportunity to clear your head. And after last night's bout - I needed a nice hike (and somewhat strenuous) to take my mind off of everything. I'll write about the bout tomorrow.
Here are more pictures from the hike:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/67749380@N00/sets/72157623437417038/

Best Sock (Monkey) Ever...

Two weeks ago at the Jet City Rollergirl Prom I won two awards - CarnEvil's award for "Work Horse" and also "Best Socks." I won best socks in 2007 and all of 2008 I was determined to retain that award status (and then it wasn't offered - damn it!) But I managed to get it again in 2009 - probably because I am actually known for wearing rainbow socks...

Last week I was trying to jazz up some text for an invitation for work and emailed a questions to a bunch of people to try to come up with better words: What words would you use to get your friends excited to come to an event that would be true to the event? (Like calling it a magical circus with sparkly blue monkeys would be fun but it’s not true.) Well then I went to Google "non profit events" for sample and inadvertently wrote "sparkly blue monkeys" and came across this website (after laughting at myself). But then I scrolled down and found rainbow sock monkey. How awesome is she?!?! Even hanging with her Carnie friend... I love random things like this.

This is the stuff that makes life fun.

And no, she has no monkeys like this available...but once she starts making them again... she'll let me know.

Painting Empty Bowls...

Today, Derika, Dani, Lara and I went to the Ballard Community Center (which I've often walked by but never entered) to paint "Empty Bowls" for the Seattle Food Bank. A group makes the bowls. The community (us) are invited to paint the bowls (and we did) and then they're sold at a fundraiser (which I will be out of town). We arrived, after having lunch together, to paint some bowls. It was a wonderful time together. We all had different ideas for our bowls. We were in a community center. We were painting bowls for an event that none of us could attend. It was nice to give to the Ballard Food Bank (which was the organization my Christmas gift went to this year.) It was nice to be slightly creative. It was nice to spend the afternoon with friends.

I like empty bowls.

Overwhelmed...

Some days are just overwhelming. They may start out that way or become that as the day wears on. I caught my bus in plenty of time. Didn't get soaking wet. I had a very productive morning with a little bit of nervousness and thrill as I had to turn people away from an already packed house party we're having after work tomorrow about a woman whose story of being taken away from her lesbian parents (which was common in the 70's) was turned into a film and she's presenting from her new book.

But as the day wore on and the bills we're proposing in the state legislature (including an anti-shackling bill and an anti crisis pregnancy center bill) gained footing and endorsements even from those we least expected it; the overwhelming emotional roller coaster of anxiety and joy became dread as I watched the pictures of Haiti pour in.

I had missed the tsunami in 2004. I had spent the entire weekend reading "We Wish to Inform You That Tomorrow We Will Be Killed With Our Families" which was about Rwanda. I curled up on the sofa, with a blanket and two kittie friends and read about a tragedy that the world ignored for the entire weekend. When I arrived at work on Monday I was stunned and shocked. (Because of that, I check CNN habitually, daily. Often 3-5 times a day.) Haiti is another tragic story. But this one hits a little bit closer to me - probably because I've been in very poor countries and I know what "standard" construction means. Probably because I know there is not a heck of a lot of general sympathy for a country that hasn't had a day of peace in 200 years and fights daily against poverty, corruptions, AIDS, poverty and corruption. Probably because they're black/Africa and the world often basis it's sympathy on the color of your skin. And it breaks my heart.

So I left work slightly panicked and anxious. I was drenched as the wind pushed rain down my shoes, soaking my pants and socks, bent back my umbrella (why do I even try?) and I hopped on the next bus just wishing it could take me somewhere kind of bright and sunny and happy but it took me home instead - which was fine too. I sat on the sofa and ate a piece of chocolate. I watched the news, looked a photos online, read some of the stupid things that people were saying. Lara suggested we get sushi (there went my plan to swim) and I took a cat nap after dinner. I didn't wake up feeling any better. And I don't know why I just didn't throw in the towel and call it a day... probably because I have the luxury of doing so...

*cartoon from NatalieDee.com

Gearing up for 2010...

Today I spent the day somewhat panicked. Tomorrow is the official start of 2010 - officially. I feel the loom of impossible goals at work, inspiring goals in derby and personal goals that are both a mix of those two and some of my own. I dreaded today - I dreaded the Sunday before the Monday of the official 2010. But it turned out to be a great day - much to my surprise. I met with Bess at Nervous Nellie's to drink Americanos, eat toast (their "thing" - delicious), and play with budget numbers, figure out how we're going to "get it done". We went back to the apartment, changed into our swim suits, grabbed Lara and headed to hydrofit at the Ballard Pool. Our instructor was Bill - who's awesome! He works out on the side of the pool as he describes the next set and has us sweating up a storm in the pool. He's a far different instructor than Crystal (at Greenlake Pool) - but they're both incredible in their own ways. I love to sweat in the pool. He kicked out butts.

Then errands. Lunch. Pick up my skates (thank goodness - my toe stops won't be falling out anymore!) Grocery shopping at the Fred. Finish up our shopping at Ballard Market (trying to save more money by shopping at the Fred first, Market second). Clean the kitchen. (Washington grows many things very well - apple, grapes, hops, cherry and mold! I am always fighting mold.) Took the bedding, all of it, to the laundry mat which is "now under new management". I don't know what it takes to manage a laundry mat - I don't imagine that it is much but they're never nice and clean. I played solitaire. I stared down a woman who was taking up ALL of the dryers (is there a social etiquette for how many dryers you can monopolize?) Vacuumed. Ate dinner. Sent emails. Prepared. Prepared for 2010.

It's going to be a kick ass year!

Right?

* zoo in the bathroom - all the little friends that are given to me or I acquire... the octopus is the newest addition. She trusts no one. He he he.

We all have to have goals...

Most people, according to their Facebook posts or conversations I had with them (even the retailers at the mall) were ready to kick 2009 to the curb. Fair enough. It was a craptastic year for many people for a variety of reasons. I saw it as one of the most stressful in my fundraising career though one of the most fun in my 4 year old derby career (however the omentum surgery sure threw a wrench into things.) For as many reasons as there was to pull out your hair, gnash your teeth, to resign to tears, there were just as many reasons to laugh, smile with pure joy or have the words "I love you!" or "thank you" burst from your lips. Some of my favorite things about 2009:

1. Being award 2008 MVP for Jet City Rollergirls

2. Discovering Bend, Oregon (love, love, love this town)

3. Becoming the favorite aunt at McKenna's birthday party (OMG - what great times with the girls, they're the best!)

4. Rediscovering swimming and other swim classes (low impact, so good for the heart, and just fun)

5. Surprises! (And there were many of them, flowers from Rebecca, a dress from my mother, a card from the league)

6. Philanthropy - though it was a hard year for most people (including myself) I donated more money than ever to a variety of causes.

7. My East Coast trip (was a wonderful way to reconnect with my friends in Boston, DC, and see Nationals)

8. My friends' successes: Weedy getting into Harvard, Sara going to Texas, Kathy's sold out "Western Field Experience", Ally and Bess reaching their goals, amazing year end at work, etc.

9. Discovering Cama Beach on Camano Island (Lara and I spent Thanksgiving in awesome, cheap cabins, played cards, ate Turkey dinner and chased crabs late at night in low tide)

10. New Friends

I can't wait for 2010! Especially if everyone else can't either...

New Year's Resolutions...

I'm sure I'm going to make a ton of them... but the biggest one for now is to write more in my blog. And if I succeed at then, then you'll know how the rest of my year goes.

Everyone loves the pink Snuggie...

Monkey is happily sleeping on the pink Snuggie that Heidi and Jon got me for Christmas (Fezzy is sitting on the newspaper next to her waiting his turn) - there are chocolates and wines, fluffy gloves and hand puppets that are all a part of my Christmas loot (from a variety of people). I had lovely Christmas holiday where I ate too much. and drank just enough. Christmas Eve was watching movies, eating vegetarian chili and having a bottle of wine (to myself - the entire bottle. Ooops.) Christmas day was bunch at Heidi's place - Lara, Heidi, Jon, Lucie, and her father in-law and partner and her bother-in-law's family. It was insanity with three kids under 4 and a questionable adult but the food was delicious and the company was fun... and when it cleared out and was just us 4 adults and Lucie - it was quite a lovely time.

Lara and I headed back and cooked up some garlic smashed potatoes, cranberry salad, green been casserole and cupcakes before heading out to Kelly Rae and Steph's place for dinner. Julie joined us and we stuffed ourselves - which didn't take long considering I was still very full from the noontime brunch. We all played Uno for a while and then settled in to watch A Christmas Carol... which was hilarious - as always.

Saturday I was at my wits-end - too much rich food and alcohol over the past few days (without any exercise) had me going a bit stir crazy. I needed a walk in the sun, a break from the food and wine. I took off for Discovery Park where clearly a ton of other people had the same idea. The park was crowded with families (cheap way to get out and include the in-laws) who were soaking up the high 40 degree sunshine. It was glorious.

Lara and I headed up to Everett to hang out with Unshine. The cheap and tasty Mexican restaurant we were going to go to was closed for the holidays and we ended up to the Alligator Soul restaurant (which I always pass on my way to events in Everett and had been so curious about). There was delicious Cajun food and great conversation with very old men jamming out on the front stage. What a lovely surprise of an evening!

Happy Holidays!

Tee hee.

Yesterday, on the shortest day of the year...

I (with help) wrestled kitty friends into cages, loaded them up in the car, bombed the apartment, dropped Lara off at work, stopped by my own office to drop off donation of winter clothes (and derby stuff), went to the Fred to rent a carpet cleaner, auto parts store for new wipers and air filter, pet store for kitty friend treats (I mean they were being so good!), Goodwill, gas station (checked the tires), Safeway for lunch with old people, aired out the apartment, picked this past summer's dry cleaning, vacuumed, brought kitties in, cleaned counters, cleaned the carpet, did laundry, sent a few emails, took a nap, went grocery shopping and made dinner.

Phew. I'm it wasn't any longer.

A week of disappointments...

This last week was one of those weeks - where you had to teach your coworkers how to talk about budget cuts, when your birthday got passed over (as usual) and you try not to seem upset about it but you can't help yourself, when you keep writing out holiday greetings knowing you're not going to get any in return (but that's not why you write them - you write them because you care damnit)- it was one of those weeks - that ended most wonderfully.

I ended the week on Friday, (see above) exhausted and just hung out at the apartment, prepared the place a little for the flea bombing (today). I ended up drinking a little too much (not intentionally) and going to bed whooped. Saturday was another story. As someone who never falls in practice, I bit it twice hard at practice and had the shakes (coming down off the hangover) but I had a couple of oranges and made it through the rest of the morning. The evening was fantastic as I went, with 10 of my dearest friends, to "The Land of Sweets" Nutcracker Burlesque - my 3rd year in a row - a new "tradition". We had a wonderful time. I cheered for all the main players (and that made my friends laugh but don't they understand performers feed off of that.) And we all totally feel in love with one of the snow princesses... of course the next day I decided that I had a general lapse in judgement (that comes about twice a year and usually both times in December) and suffered a bit of a hangover on Sunday.

But the birthday wishes - coming on my facebook and by phone - made me so happy. I often think people have the wrong assumptions of me. Truthfully, I am not one to take center stage as the leading actress but would much prefer to be a stage manager behind the scenes getting shit done. But every-once-in-a-while, it's very nice to be acknowledged. And it was. I went to breakfast with Heidi, Jon, Lucy and Lara, came home and took a nap and then went and scrimmaged with the Harem and had tasty beverages with both teams afterwards. It was a great way to end the 2009 derby season and a great way to celebrate my birthday...

Thank you. What a wonderful week.