New Year's Resolutions

I'm not one to make New Year's Resolutions. I made typically impossible ones in the past.  Save more money (like how much more?  $50? $500?  $5,000.)  Lose weight. (I don't know that I've ever really thought that but most people did so it seemed like a good one for the non conformist to follow.) Write more (ahh, but the muscle is so weak!)  Date more (why?)  Fight for peace in the Middle East (not exactly sure how.)  Workout more (how can I do this when I'm doing 10,000 other things.) Travel more (yes!  Agree!)  Etc.  And most of them were forgotten in about a week or two.  I'm a person of action - if I need to make a resolution to change something in my life then what I really need to do is change something in my life.  Not make a resolution.  And that's where resolutions fail me.

However, I am a big fan of "if you say it out loud you make true" (so then you have to do.)  "I will write more in 2012."  I said it out loud.  Just now.  I also wrote it on my friend Christopher's Facebook page (or I agreed to his status about writing more and said I want to do that too.)  I told others - most of them in my head - that I would write more. 

But it's more than just writing more.  I want to take my creative self - who I have locked in a box, shoved in the corner of the closet, piled coats and sweaters upon and bolted the closet door shut - out again and invite her to get involved again.  I use to get so crabby when I didn't do anything creative.  My close friends could tell I just needed to dance - write - sew - paint - bake - create something - anything.  And then I would be happy - and whole.  But eventually, I started to ignore her. It wasn't easy at first but then it became something I didn't have time for.  Something I could push aside.  Something I couldn't justify spending time doing anyway. Something that wasn't as important as x, y or z.  (I mean there were rights to be fought for!  There were people who needed my help!  There were countries imploding!)  And eventually she went away.  I would let her out when I needed something for someone else - like to make ornaments for my team.  Or to sew helmet covers for the league.  Or to edit someone else's writing.  But never just for me.

There were multiple epiphanies this year.  One of them was at a sing along for Hedwig and the Angry Inch put on by the Seattle International Film Festival - which is a fantastic play/movie about many things but discovering your other half and becoming a whole person is part of it. I spent nearly the whole event in near tears (and not very good company.)   I told a friend about this - about this need to be with my creative self and she said "but Michelle, I mean isn't this a phase - don't we outgrow this?"  No.  It's not.  Why would you lock half of yourself in the closet - in a box - and pile coats on top of her?

So I'm working on letting her out of her box and inviting her to hang out more often.  It's likely not going to be easy at first.  I doubt we trust each other that much.  There is much work to do (and we both need to spend more time a the gym or the bar) but I'm going to try.  Because honestly it's more than just about writing and being creative.  It's about being whole.  And that's my New Year's Resolution.