States of Confusion...

This past weekend I got the "snot beat out of me" in our bout against the Camaro Harem.  I enjoy playing that team generally as my "derby wife" - Weedy - is on it.  But this weekend there was a trifecta of blockers (Tixxie, Retro & Betty) who cleaned my clock after and thoroughly as I tried to work my way thru the pack to score some points.  My head go knocked around (not on the ground but knocked around just the same) which always scares me into wondering if this is my last game or my last season.   I was frustrated by the half time and happy to be done with it by the end.   My team has some really smart moments and I was particularly proud of us on many levels. I walked away learning a thing or two (like ask your teammates for help) and managed to spend very little time the penalty box.

Sunday there were rumors confirmed of stomach flu spreading like wildfire around the team. I escaped the wrath of it all day - going to a Pride Parade meeting for work, running some errands, getting a costume for our "Keep on Truckin'" themed skate-a-thon.  I threw up my late lunch as I headed to the event was convinced I had sustained a more serious head injury - as opposed to the rational thought that I might actually have the flu.  I stayed for an hour, left in tears (of course in the car) but had chills and fever by the time I got home.  I couldn't tell if I was feeling miserable because of the flu or because of the beating I took at the bout.  The misery stayed with me thru much of Monday though I had been able to keep down meals and most water. Tuesday was just a day of rest - trying to get back to 100% - and I started Wednesday at 92% but left the day at about 64%.  I came home, skipping practice, and tried to take a nap - but the kitties wanted attention too.  I managed somehow slip in an hour.

The last week had been a week of revelations for me.  I so often in life find myself crabby, "bored", feeling restless and I can't put my finger on it - then I do.  And it frustrates me to no end that it's always the same thing - I just need to be creative.  I've given up A LOT of my creative projects at work (so that other people can get the experience and I can manage it.)  This is great for my team but completely frustrating for me.  Because so much of my life is derby and work, I find myself spending so much time doing both and not enough time sewing, writing, reading, painting, crafting, whatever.  And it wears on me.  I become restless.  I get annoyed.  And I sit there and contemplate "what is it that I need to be happy?!" over and over until I realize it - again.  I just need to set up a timer on my Outlook Calendar at work to ask "When was the last time YOU CREATED something new Michelle?"  It really is such a huge part of me.  Why do I forget to feed it?

A part of my lack of creativity comes with the demise of my laptop.  It started crashing at the beginning of the year and went completely dead by March.  I've been using Lara's Mac - which is wonderful and I appreciate it - but it's not the same.  I'm use to a PC - a laptop - that I can put on my lap, on the futon, and write in my blog.  Do work. Do derby work.  The Mac is a different computer with different thingies that become roadblocks - or excuses.  The solution is to buy a new laptop... even if there is something else that needs your money - like your car, your trip home to see your nieces, your 401 K, new skates, etc.  I just need to do it.  Get a new one. And quit make excuses.  Stop the confusion.

*one of my favorite pictures from this past weekend - sneaking by Weedy and Trixxie.. and running like hell - with my tongue out.  he he he.